Hello everyone. It is I, Borton Brahms, award winning restaurateur and — after last night’s winning bid — the proud new owner of over nine hundred broken smart phones. Welcome to my column, The Devilish Dish. I come to you today bereft of my normal gruff charm and, in all honesty, a little bit confused. I must have blackened out. The last thing I remember is sitting in my Bubby’s crafting room whilst getting increasingly livid about…somebody’s recipes. Was a bidet involved? Was I yelling at a donkey?

My head hurts. My heart even more. Where am I? Why am I surrounded by ham and cheese toasties? Oh no! It can’t be! I thought it was all over…but…could I be back in…The Declan?! Oh shim-shim-shiree, my friends…I mean…you’re all a bunch of stupid dummies!!

When I was ten years old and the owner of over fifteen lunchboxes, one of my servants cooked me a Tuna Samsarini without any charcoaled carrots. As I gagged on the dog’s dinner, my mind splintered into two parts — something psychiatrists and paranormal investigators would later come to call The Declan. 

In The Declan, I am The Declan — for in The Declan all things are Declan.

Think, Borton, think! There was an extremely pleasant British woman. She was real, right? What was her name? Groggins? Bobbins?? Did she work at one of my two-star hotels? Or was she me?? Is she the mastermind behind The Declan???

I pondered aloud until what began as a tiny murmur from within The Declan erupted into twenty thousand screaming voices:

Declan?
Yes, Declan??
Are you The Declan??
No Declan!
Declan is The Declan!
Are we The Declan?
Declan??!!
declan!!
DECLAN!!!

My nerves began to spasm and contort — “I am The Declan!!!” I exclaimed into the trees. Oh please do send the Bobbies to help me! I’m in the alley behind my award winning restaurant, Pets Fantaisie! Hurry, you stupid American anchovy! The fate of every soused up maloo saying “…Oh my goodness this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted!!…” when I’ve just served them an actual dog’s dinner depends on your swift attention to this matter!