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Safety First at Triassic Park
Have you ever heard of an amusement park filled with dinosaurs?! Well, today millions of people experienced the grand opening of the world’s first dinosaur “zoo” — Triassic Park — and surprisingly, nothing went wrong! From its inception, there were no incidents involving a compromised raptor transport crate — something that theoretically could have sparked…
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Gorton’s Neurology
Do you notice that you can’t remember anything lately? Does your brain feel like a giant bucket of mud? Are you thinking about absolutely nothing — right now?? Well before spending hundreds of dollars on a brain transplant, consider neurology with the brand you trust — Gorton’s! After mastering physical therapy, we used AI to…
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That Day in Leningrad
I ate too many shrimp in the fall of ’64 my belly ached I couldn’t take it anymore I tooted once or twice and then there were more as I became the one who had to use a bathroom in Leningrad I searched high and low for a place to go but I was turned away or told…
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Lord, Bless This Mess
In breaking social media news today, commercial creators around the globe finally revealed the sordid truth behind your sneezing. As understood by the ancients before us and finally confirmed by patriotwinner1776, we now know that a sneeze is, in fact, your soul attempting to escape your body. In addition, we have also learned that those who…
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I Don’t Know Why the Toilet Squeaks
a drab toilet squeaks in the bathroom again is it too much pressure in a pipe? or a one frozen, on the mend? as I peer at it closely in the harsh yellow light it dares to ring out like a bell why does this toilet croon from deep within it’s bowl? when I flush…
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The Guy Who Owns the Mall
Good morrow, everyone. It is I, Dan Abramson, aka The Guy Who Owns the Mall. Welcome to my first reoccurring column, given to me by the cats that work at The Real Mews. Now I can say what I want – when I want – and I no longer have to contain my angry tirades…
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The Power of Fire Personal Organizer
Having trouble making meetings on time? Did you miss your own birthday because you got sidetracked by another meeting? Are you scheduling a meeting right now?? You need to get organized. Welcome to your new life 2.0 with the Power of Fire Personal Organizer. Just write your appointments onto a slip of paper and toss…
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Proud to be a Republidemoplicratoplican
In a stunning first, numerous conservative and liberal leaders have decided to join forces today. The announcement came amidst rumors on Capitol Hill that elected officials have finally ‘put aside their differences’ and will now focus their energy on ‘working for the common good of the people.’ Effectively creating a third party, they unanimously agreed that…
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The Classic Story of Tony Macaroni
The entertainment world was set ablaze Tuesday when The Classic Story of Tony Macaroni was released to eager movie-goers in theaters across the United States. Touted as the only true story of his life, and personally endorsed by Mr. Macaroni himself, critics have predicted sweeping wins at the Oscars this year. The film follows Macaroni…
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A Letter From the Editer
Hi everyone, The staff at The Real Mews would like to adress the alligations leveled against us recently by those in the media. First of all – how dair you! How daaiirr you!! You have alledged that our writers have never gone to gramer school – and that thay have never done gramer good –…
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Piano Man Down
Yesterday evening, legendary musician William Joyel suffered lethal but non-fatal injuries after stumbling from the top of his own piano. His manager, Rona Davidson, confirmed that William had indeed fallen to his demise and would never be able to live again. “The incident occurred on Saturday at John’s Tavern downtown,” Davidson explained. “As usual, William…
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Captain Chicken’s Famous Recipe
Today we learned another fun tidbit about our favorite chef, Captain Chicken. Was his mother Wiccan? Well yes, but that’s not what we’re pickin’. Mr. Chicken is famous for offering his frickin’ chicken for a nickel a lickin’. And we ain’t trickin’. After perfecting his one hundred and three spice chicken, the captain knew he…
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Poop Vs. Pee
For years, scientists have hotly debated the age-old question: Are you a poop or are you a pee? People who pee claim to enjoy higher metabolisms and a more active lifestyle, while people who poop tout the detoxifying benefits and increased metal acuity. As your reporter in the trenches, I decided to find out myself. I spent…
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Four Score and Seven Years Before
In an event held by the Abraham Lincoln Association this afternoon, experts revealed that President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was in fact penned by his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln. Incredibly, this fact remained undiscovered until a week ago, when the original draft of her work was found in Chicago. “After her husband’s death, Mary moved into…
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The Second Greatest Show on Earth
Three years ago, emerging Icelandic pop-star, Gorko St. John, departed the planet — and ultimately the dimension — using a then relatively unknown form of bio-travel. Since branded the P/uː/pi Blastoff, the technique has long been hailed as a cheap and accessible form of bio-traversal, however, it has also being condemned by astrophysicists for inadvertently…
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The Birds
Researchers at The Real Mews have now proven beyond any doubt that birds are secretly arranging the extinction of the human race and the complete annihilation of the planet we lovingly refer to as our Mother Earth. The Real Mews’ lead scientist, Tish Avery, broke the news to a stunned boardroom yesterday. “When I was…
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Margo Bobbins’ Angelic Housekeeping
Hello monsters! I must apologize to you in advance for a lack of recent “Devilish Dish” columns on this website. Borton hasn’t been well the past several weeks and has asked me to take over. Oh muensters, I’m so worried about him. He gets so mad. After making his traditional Tuna Samsarini, he fell to pieces…
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Thou Shall Not Pass
The Catholic Church issued an abrupt three-word plea to its followers this morning: “Stop farting immediately!” The statement stunned the faithful as they scrambled to make sense of the new ruling and figure out how to cease passing gas. The Real Mews caught up with Cardinal Jonathan Price who explained the reason behind the decree.…
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Borton Brahms’ Tuna Samsarini
Hello again, I’m Borton Brahms, an award winning restaurateur and proud owner of over forty failing hotels. At some point, I promised that I would show you how to make a beautiful Tuna Samsarini, but then my stupid sister Margo took all of my recipes and threw them straight into the bidet!! But no bother.…
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The Opposite of Pure Joy
If it’s up to Ericka Hyatt, today at noon everyone on Earth will collectively hold hands and sing Dustin Beaver’s “Owie.” Barges have been lined up bow to stern across the planet’s oceans, and canyons have been filled with concrete in anticipation of this tremendous event. The two and a half minute a capella is being…
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Gorton’s Physical Therapy
Do all of your friends run really fast? Do they stick their tongues out and blow raspberries at you while jetting by at 10-12 miles per hour?? Are you thinking about buying those bionic legs to impress them, but they just cost too much?? Well, before surgically removing your lower limbs, consider trying physical therapy…
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No Ma’am’s Land
A woman’s near-death experience is exceptional this time, because it doesn’t contain any hallmarks of traditional reports. Monday morning, scientists at Jordan University introduced the case of Linda Cragg, whose heart stopped on an operating table for several minutes. In a bone-chilling interview, she detailed the harrowing episode. “Well at first it began as if I was…
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Ham and Cheese Toasties
Hello and welcome to another stunning edition of The Devilish Dish. You may not know this, but I’ve always had a passion for flying around in bubble cars. Yes, I, Borton Brahms, routinely fly to a fro in a hovering motor machine whilst wearing a tweed cap and delighting my fellow countryfolk with elaborate and…
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Sergeant Planet the Zero
In a startling upset to the green community, Sergeant Planet announced that he would stop focusing on bringing pollution down to zero, and begin addressing the numerous allegations of environmental misconduct leveled against him. The news was met with dismay by confused fans, and protestors spilled into the streets – many of them fed up…
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A Dollar a Day
At The Real Mews we make a lot of jokes, but today we’d like to tell you about something we’ve been supporting passionately for the past forty years: The Bill Lagos Foundation. For only a dollar a day, a hard-working American can fund Mr. Lagos and his genetically engineered pet eagle, Timmy, for years to…
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Worse than Fear
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” stated a collected Franklin Delano Roosevelt, his visage abruptly wan as he remembered the warm water brain eating amoeba. A sheer panic emerged and Roosevelt’s eyes darted toward several members of the crowd. “We have to boil the water, you idiots!!” he screamed, jumping off…
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The Drunk Swan
Last evening, customer service representative Kristi Williams finally completed the musical ballet she’s been writing and performing in front of her cats for over a decade. With a double plié and a final quadruple soubresaut, Kristi ended the first act, bowed, and proceeded to reflect on the pain that led her to dance like a complete…
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The Fresh Face of P/uː/pi
P/uː/pi executives revealed Thursday that Icelandic pop star, Gorko, will be the newest face of their brand. Gorko recently became an overnight sensation – not only for her unique brand of pop music – but also for her discovery of bio-travel, a method of traveling through wormholes by strategically releasing compact bursts of loose fecal…
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The Electric Piano Man
Everyone knows that Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, but few of us remember his contributions to jam bands and classic rock music. The staff at The Real Mews has uncovered an interview with his wife, Mina Edison, which sheds new light on the legacy of the man we now know as Vitamin E, the heppest…
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Don’t Call Me Doctor
To honor the medical professionals that work tirelessly around the clock to keep us healthy, we bring you the courageous story of a man who wouldn’t settle for being a registered nurse practitioner — a man who would eventually fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a doctor of medicine — and a man who would…
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