Today human history was altered in a way that even philosopher and se’er Nostradamus wouldn’t predict – or should we say – couldn’t predict. That’s because historians have finally unearthed the truth about Mr. Damus.

Rare parchments were discovered in the cellars of the University of Montpellier last week that confirm a truth scholars have suspected for years: Nostradamus was in fact the comedian formally known as “Tin Can Mike” and many of his prophecies were the result of elaborate pranking schemes contrived by Mr. Damus and his drinking buddies.

This is but one stunning confession, written by Mike himself, regarding the first time he discovered the power of false prophecy:

“My name is Michel de Nostredame but everyone around here just calls me Tin Can Mike – word up dudes and dudettes! As a joke while drinking on Saturday, I “predicted” that my friend Carl de Nostredame would “have a great fall” and then moments later he did in fact slip and fall. From that moment forward, my drinking Bras began to tell people that I could see the future, but what you all didn’t know is that I spent several hours Saturday morning coating the bar floor with bison butter – in set-up of this “prank” as you will – and that I cannot, in fact, see the future. I apologize to the patrons of the bar, and hereby promise not to continue with my tomfoolery.”

Scholars, however, are now admitting that the “tomfoolery” did not stop there. Last rate historian and social media chat-bot assembler, Rebecca Montgomery, explains:

“Ever hear of the game ‘Telephone’? Well that’s pretty much what happened here. News spread that Mike was psychic and before long the town began to regard him as some sort of prophet. Unable to let a good set-up pass, Mr. Damus started spreading bison butter on everything. He then “predicted” the great imbalance catastrophe of 1525. Well sure enough within days everyone in town was sliding back and forth with their arms flailing, convinced their perpetual imbalance was foretold by ol’ Tin Can’s prophecy.”

“And so we have Mike, giddy as the dickens, finally going full boar and taking the stage name Nostradamus. In fact he decided then and there to dedicate the rest of his life to ‘the wizard’s craft’ as he so cheekily called it. And he went hard too – grew the pointiest beard and bought the tugboat hat and everything. I mean you got to hand it to the guy – he really did play the role. And boy did it pay off! His comedic quatrains ‘predicting’ the future are still making the news rounds today.”

Unfortunately the true story of Mr. Damus continues to be swept under the rug, but we here at The Real Mews will continue to work tirelessly to ensure that it is told.