Last evening, customer service representative Kristi Williams finally completed the musical ballet she’s been writing and performing in front of her cats for over a decade. With a double plié and a final quadruple soubresaut, Kristi ended the first act, bowed, and proceeded to reflect on the pain that led her to dance like a complete maniac in her suburban apartment for ten long years. Reports are coming into The Real Mews that she absolutely wowed Pickles and Mavis.

“I started drinking after the first act,” Kristi relayed. “I hadn’t fully fleshed out the arc in the love story between Hera and Zeus, so I was nervous. But then I had an epiphany and drank and danced liked a moonstruck raven into the dawn. Sauté after sauté, I flew like a butterfly, until completing a final pas de cheval into the kitchen, where I broke my ankle on the dishwasher and passed out on the floor.”

When Kristi woke up this afternoon, triggered by a sudden need to breathe again, she took account of her surroundings, farted as hard as she could, and fell back into rigid uncomfortable sleep knowing that she had achieved perfection.