At The Real Mews we make a lot of jokes, but today we’d like to tell you about something we’ve been supporting passionately for the past forty years: The Bill Lagos Foundation. For only a dollar a day, a hard-working American can fund Mr. Lagos and his genetically engineered pet eagle, Timmy, for years to come – heroically ensuring their continued life of detached egocentricity.

Bill Lagos woke up this morning beneath cashmere sheets, longing for something less pedestrian – like bedding made with the feathers of an ancient rare-bird species – knowing that living off of forty million dollars a day would never pay for it. He asked his nanny, Wooley Parson, for a breakfast tray bearing a single beluga caviar floating in a crystal goblet of Wagyu insulin, but she was despondent.

Please join us in our effort to replace Mr. Lago’s nanny with a state of the art, advanced AI robot. For only two dollars a day, you can ensure that Mr. Lagos gets that golden sarcophagus he’s always wished for – not for his eventual demise – but for a large cereal bowl to feast from while watching Saturday morning stocks, rolled up like a burrito in his brand-new archaeopteryx bedding.

For further information on how to support the Bill Lago’s Foundation, please contact us at The Real Mews. Donate today and rest easy knowing that you’re buying actual angel dust for a man wearing a shirt made out of fresh spider silk and living in a bubble he’ll never understand to be his soul’s dissemination.