A woman’s near-death experience is exceptional this time, because it doesn’t contain any hallmarks of traditional reports. Monday morning, scientists at Jordan University introduced the case of Linda Cragg, whose heart stopped on an operating table for several minutes. In a bone-chilling interview, she detailed the harrowing episode.

“Well at first it began as if I was falling,” she started. “It was a warm feeling like something was pulling me away from my body. As I melted into infinite time and space, reality dissipated into a pool of color and light, until I was left standing in a white room that contained an uncomfortably tall bar stool and a movie projector.”

A blank stare swept across her face. “The song ‘Desperado’ began to play on a loop. The projector turned on and proceeded to show a montage of every time in my life that I unwittingly had a booger in my nose while I was talking with someone.” She continued. “The images then turned into me spilling soup on the boob area of my shirt and going throughout my day completely oblivious – interspersed with slow motion close ups on the faces of the people who did notice. I now know why I didn’t get the job I interviewed for at the bank.”

She began to cry. “When it finally concluded, I could sense and see spirits around me, laughing. One of them approached me to tell me in an over-the-top falsetto voice that I wasn’t his type. He then pushed me off of the cloud and I fell like a sack of potatoes back into my body.”

Ms. Cragg hasn’t responded to The Real Mews requests for follow up, however yesterday she was spotted at the local multivitamin store spending thousands of dollars to “stay alive, goddammit!!”