If it’s up to Ericka Hyatt, today at noon everyone on Earth will collectively hold hands and sing Dustin Beaver’s “Owie.” Barges have been lined up bow to stern across the planet’s oceans, and canyons have been filled with concrete in anticipation of this tremendous event. The two and a half minute a capella is being sponsored by Sanderson’s Salts, with perfectly seasoned gizzards and giblets being delivered by the food experts at Captain Chicken.

A full time “cool mom” and self-described “DB enthusiast,” Ericka claims that Mr. Beaver’s song helped her unlock memories of past trauma that she’s buried for decades. She arranged today’s event after hearing “Owie” on the radio and having an epiphany where she finally figured out that she also had it all with nobody to call.

“At first pass I thought this song was about a man-child who, while desperately trying to figure out what an actual feeling is, reveals that he’s even more of a sociopath than we’d realized,” she explained. “But as I started really analyzing Dustin’s poetry, every ‘Ow-wee-owe-wee-owe-wee-oowww-wee,’ I realized that “Owie” resonates with everyone because we all know what it’s like to be granted ridiculous levels of fame and money, act like complete dicks, and then whine that nobody was there for us when we felt lonely.”

A small group of people had collected behind Mrs. Hyatt which didn’t go unnoticed. “And we’re sick of it!” she proclaimed as she raised a fist into the air to cheers. “Today we’ll all hold hands to form a circle around the globe, sing “Owie” from the depths of our souls, and finally release our collective self-absorption into the annals of history. We will heal our egos with Mr. Dustin Lou Beaver’s opus, end equality, and raise enough money to help DB through this difficult time in his life!”

The event will be spectacular. What’s even more spectacular is Sanderson Salt. Sanderson’s specialty salts are made from mineralized salt rock married to our secret ingredient, Epsom Brine. Imagine fine flakes of the most luxurious salt lick, melting into your tongue, revealing the hearty taste of bone meal and clay pots. You’ll thank us when your unbridled senses are awakened. Feel like a horse, with Sanderson’s coarse!