The Catholic Church issued an abrupt three-word plea to its followers this morning: “Stop farting immediately!” The statement stunned the faithful as they scrambled to make sense of the new ruling and figure out how to cease passing gas. The Real Mews caught up with Cardinal Jonathan Price who explained the reason behind the decree.

“After a two thousand year push to rid society of the impure acts that displease our Lord, to no apparent avail, we began looking more closely at the Aramaic text of the Bible – and discovered a bombshell!

“Yes, it’s true that Moses descended Mt. Sinai to deliver the ten commandments,” he continued, “however shortly thereafter, he discovered that God had run out of space on the front of the stones, and had in fact inscribed an eleventh commandment onto the back.“

“Unfortunately, by the time Moses discovered the addition, the Israelites he’d been addressing had already returned to their shuckin’ and diddlin’, so he panicked and chucked the tablets into a nearby well – telling no one until his death in the land of Moab around 1407 BC.”

“There he finally disclosed the truth to his also dying wife, Tharbis, who was able to retrieve the lost commandment and paint it onto a small obsidian stone before perishing as well.”

Now almost out of breath, the Cardinal propped himself against a wall, and stared wildly into the ceiling. “Soon after, their son Gershom – who was returning from the doctor after a terminal diagnosis – discovered his dead parents and the stone. Fearing the potential damage to his father’s legacy, he chucked it into another well where it was forgotten until being discovered by Isaiah 700 years later. That’s when it was finally transcribed into the back cover of the Bible just above the publisher’s stamp.”

“Thou Shall not Fart!!” the Bishop then screamed, his hands and knees trembling. After a long and awkward pause he continued. “No wonder bad things still happen to good people!” he exclaimed. “How can God’s will be deciphered when one of the pieces is missing?! From now on, anyone who is caught farting – or even caught thinking about farting – will be known as an agent of Satan!”

When confronted with the fact that everybody farts, the bishop clapped back angrily, producing an ancient bellows with extensive tubing. “Because I, ma’am, am no longer able to fart, I shall discontinue listening to you besmirch my good Christian name!” he screamed before accidentally letting one loose. His face then reddened and he darted into a nearby confessional where he was observed chanting the Lord’s prayer with distress while tootin’ like a loon.