Today we learned another fun tidbit about our favorite chef, Captain Chicken. Was his mother Wiccan? Well yes, but that’s not what we’re pickin’. Mr. Chicken is famous for offering his frickin’ chicken for a nickel a lickin’. And we ain’t trickin’.

After perfecting his one hundred and three spice chicken, the captain knew he had something special. With a blade of wheat clenched between his teeth, Phil Chicken leapt into a dune buggy. Whistling bygone tunes from the grand ol’ Mississip’, Mr. Chicken hit the road and drove straight to the big city, where he realized his dream of selling fried chicken on street corners, and then to later chuck it at the seagulls that so often followed him.

His most ingenious creation? Well in nineteen-ought-two the common folk couldn’t afford bread. But the always innovative Phillip Chicken had a solution. For two and a half cents per chicken you could buy his famous “Chick’n Cheese’n Chick’n” – a slice of cheese in between two pieces of chicken. And boy what a concept. Not only did Mr. Chicken feed the masses, but the copious amounts of glued up chicken eventually seeped into their bone marrow and became a natural inoculation to polio.

According to the Captain Chicken website, the well-being of the average American citizen increased exponentially and humanity greatly benefited.

Who knew that a man named Montgomery Phillip Chicken – a man whose only dream was to sell chicken for a nickel a lickin’ – would have such an impact on the American way of life? Unfortunately, shortly after this story took place, Mr. Chicken crashed his dune buggy into a river and died. Goodbye Dr. John Montgomery Phillip “Captain” Chicken. Your contributions to society will never be forgotten.