The entertainment world was set ablaze Tuesday when The Classic Story of Tony Macaroni was released to eager movie-goers in theaters across the United States. Touted as the only true story of his life, and personally endorsed by Mr. Macaroni himself, critics have predicted sweeping wins at the Oscars this year.

The film follows Macaroni and his favorite goon, Eddie Spaghetti, as they bravely navigate the twists and turns of habitual narcissism. We grow with them as they blossom into ruthless superheroes, who wield the power of never dying from cocaine. It’s a tough road for Macaroni and Spaghetti, forced to kill at whim and profess their profoundly straight sexualities without the cops ever arresting them.

Tony Macaroni is a brilliant story about white men rising to power and then losing everything after falling to pieces over nothing. It isn’t surprising that groups of these men are lauding Tony Macaroni as a landmark first for their community.

“As a straight male, it’s really difficult to find movies that accurately portray how magical it is to be me,” commented a ‘very angry’ man who wished to remain hidden beneath a blanket. “Tony Macaroni is more than a character: He’s a hero! And the ending where he doesn’t die and never gets punished left me breathless! Just breathless!” The man then screamed very loudly into my left ear, “Macaroni and Spaghetti!!”

Thanks in part to courageous documentaries like this, people with an extremely binary male identity can finally rest with confidence knowing that they, too, are being heard.