Do you notice that you can’t remember anything lately? Does your brain feel like a giant bucket of mud? Are you thinking about absolutely nothing — right now?? Well before spending hundreds of dollars on a brain transplant, consider neurology with the brand you trust — Gorton’s!

After mastering physical therapy, we used AI to fast track our understanding of the human brain. For years, traditional neurologists employed weak and ineffective methods to combat memory decline, however the Cerebral Professionals™ at Gorton’s discovered a better way. With just a simple cognitive assessment, we’ll begin the process of restoring your neo-cortex — which, in turn, will allow you to control objects with your mind*. Did you notice Grandma levitating a little more often than normal after her last Gorton’s visit? Well that’s not your imagination — that’s science!

Not only will our neurological therapy grant you telekinetic abilities, but we’ll also transform you into a powerful genius**, ensuring that you’ll be twirling business executives heads in no time. Soon you, too, can be selling plastic crap by the trillions, confidently dominating all nine circles, and forever enshrining your quantified status as an elite human being. And thanks to Gorton’s, you’ll be forced to remember every moment!

So don’t give up on your dream of becoming a super powerful, rich, telekinetic genius. Show Grandma that you’ve figured out her levitation secret by catapulting her all the way to Mexico with just a dirty look. And be on the lookout for Gorton’s new ophthalmology clinic! Sign up now to become one of the first people in your area to shoot lasers from your eyes***!

*Results are not typical.

**Average patients continue to experience a steady decline in their cognitive abilities — even with neurological intervention.

***The ability to shoot lasers out of your eyes is considered investigational.