Have you ever heard of an amusement park filled with dinosaurs?! Well, today millions of people experienced the grand opening of the world’s first dinosaur “zoo” — Triassic Park — and surprisingly, nothing went wrong!

From its inception, there were no incidents involving a compromised raptor transport crate — something that theoretically could have sparked a damaging investigation into the park’s safety. As well, the Velociraptors have consistently remained contained in their paddocks, never even once testing the electrified perimeters for weakness. 

A computer programmer who took pride in his job didn’t sabotage the security system to steal dinosaur embryos, and that’s because the owner of the park spared some expenses to pay his employees generously and follow all safety protocols — hence, no-one had to hold on to their butts!

There was talk of a storm, however early reports were greatly exaggerated, and it passed the park entirely leaving us with little more than a light misty dew. The Tyrannosaurus Rex never broke out of her pen, however a Triceratops did leave a giant pile of crap that infected several researchers with Mesozoic Bird-Flu.

Finally, life never found a way, and every other dinosaur was safely penned and accounted for. They didn’t escape to eat man, therefore woman didn’t inherit the earth (much to the delight of attending lawmakers), There weren’t any deadly creatures in the main visitor’s center, and people ooh’d and ahh’d without screaming as they ate frozen deserts that were designed to never melt.

As the sun set on the first day, the owner of the park announced that due to the astounding success of the launch he would be building a park in San Diego, where a T-Rex and her cub would be safely transported following all rules and regulations, eliminating any threat of them ever going on a rampage through the city.

Here’s to you, Triassic Park! And to many more years of bringing boring, responsible, and ethically balanced monotony into the lives of everyone!