Almost every rock and roll fan knows The Doors. They were true music legends, and pioneers of what we now call the Acid Rock movement. Up all night and high on peyote, the ever impervious Jim Morrison blabbered continuously into a microphone – and we loved it! Yes, he was amazing, but few people realize the impact of another band that almost certainly influenced and contributed to The Doors meteoric rise… and that band was… The Walls!

We caught up with the last two remaining members – guitarist Ronnie Carrot and drummer Bobby Shill – and spent about four minutes recounting the escapades of their famous lead singer, Joe Mortistran.

Q: Well first off, I know that I said I wanted to talk about your last album, Better Voices – you know, the one you released after Mortistran’s retirement. It mixed both blues and soul into a garage band mess with no real purpose, arguably proving the opposite of what you wanted by showing that your band was an absolute mess without him* – but can we begin by addressing the elephant in the room and just get to Mortistran? Did he really fake his own retirement?

A: “Mr. OJ Sore Taint?!” a dazed and confused Carrot exclaimed. “Do you mean that guy who faked his own retirement?” he repeated. “I guess a lot of people did that in those days, man,” he said and shrugged while lighting the tip of his finger on fire believing it to be a cigarette. Seizing his flippant cognizance as justification that Joe Mortistran was still alive and possibly in the workforce – AS I BELIEVED – and also taking advantage of Carrot’s uncharacteristic lucidity – I decided to tackle the elephant in the room.

Q: Mr. OJ Sore Taint – Joe’s ingenious alias – how in the heck did he come up with that?

A: Shill suddenly awoke and became alert. “Well everyone knows that Joe was penitent about his sobriety,” he blurted. “That man never took a drug in his life, with the exception of some aromatic teas. But he was crazy about that tea and practically addicted to anything from the Asteraceae family,” he explained to me while also lighting the tip of his finger on fire thinking it was a cigarette.

“So one night during a show while trippin’ on a button of chamomile, he anagrammed his name right on the spot! That was the moment that the legendary Mr. OJ Sore Taint was birthed into our consciousness, and the instant I realized that Joe might actually be a god!” A smile spread across Shill’s face as he somehow successfully smoked his finger. “Mista Oh-Jaaay Sooore Taaaiint,” he began singing before concluding with “it was maaaagic, man!”

Q: Your song – The Beginning – was ground breaking. Everyone remembers the iconic moment when Joe plastered some Dodo feathers to his back and insulted pretty much every minority group he could think of! But the speech where the young Christian boy wakes up after dawn and takes his boots off – you know the one where he wears a mask from the Maison Margiela fashion house and brings his parents breakfast in bed for their anniversary?! That… blew… people’s… minds! I mean they thought Joe was absolutely unhinged! Did this in any way affect the success of the band?? 

A: Carrot, who had finished his finger, chimed in. “Dear God almighty, man,” he began slowly, “but Joe was such a good boy!” It was then that I caught the sparkle of a tear welling from within his eye. “And that speech – man that was Joe’s way of telling everyone that life could be quite rewarding when you’re a good son! Oh how I miss ol’ Mr. Sore Taint!” he howled and suddenly began to sob. “That was a man who could take cosmic psychedelic orchestrations and turn them into ordinary and well-intended church hymns.”

Q: Why Japan?

A: Shill spoke up again. “Well Joe had this obsession with Japanese men and of course that became our last real full length album: Tokyo Man. I mean he was really crazy about ’em. He used to constantly measure himself against the Japanese business class and really take offense if he perceived that they slighted him in any way. Most people don’t know that.”

“Of course by the time we were recording Tokyo man, it was all pretty much ending. Joe was attending AA meetings and sponsoring more than he could handle, and as we all know, at the end of 1971, he accidentally overdosed on those sponsorships, which is when fans believe he actually staged his own retirement. I don’t know though, man. He was pretty uncreative and stupid.”

At this point Carrot had all eight of his fingers lit and was smoking his thumbs like a Hookah. Also, rather ominously, I could sense their assistant Lillian getting ready to read Carrot and Shill a story before putting them down for nap time. Because of this, I reluctantly ended the interview.

Unfortunately after leaving the room, The Real Mews was informed that both men eventually fell into heroin induced comas and passed away. We will forever miss you, The Walls, and all of your musical contributions to our credit card and rental car commercials.

*To any and all Doors fans, please keep in mind that the commentary above is exclusively reserved for The Wall’s album, Better Voices. Obviously, The Door’s album, Other Voices, is a true masterpiece and clearly proves without a doubt that Jim Morrison was an unnecessary factor in that band’s success.