Tag: short stories
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Piano Man Down
Yesterday evening, legendary musician William Joyel suffered lethal but non-fatal injuries after stumbling from the top of his own piano. His manager, Rona Davidson, confirmed that William had indeed fallen to his demise and would never be able to live again. “The incident occurred on Saturday at John’s Tavern downtown,” Davidson explained. “As usual, William…
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Captain Chicken’s Famous Recipe
Today we learned another fun tidbit about our favorite chef, Captain Chicken. Was his mother Wiccan? Well yes, but that’s not what we’re pickin’. Mr. Chicken is famous for offering his frickin’ chicken for a nickel a lickin’. And we ain’t trickin’. After perfecting his one hundred and three spice chicken, the captain knew he…
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Poop Vs. Pee
For years, scientists have hotly debated the age-old question: Are you a poop or are you a pee? People who pee claim to enjoy higher metabolisms and a more active lifestyle, while people who poop tout the detoxifying benefits and increased metal acuity. As your reporter in the trenches, I decided to find out myself. I spent…
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Four Score and Seven Years Before
In an event held by the Abraham Lincoln Association this afternoon, experts revealed that President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was in fact penned by his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln. Incredibly, this fact remained undiscovered until a week ago, when the original draft of her work was found in Chicago. “After her husband’s death, Mary moved into…
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The Second Greatest Show on Earth
Three years ago, emerging Icelandic pop-star, Gorko St. John, departed the planet — and ultimately the dimension — using a then relatively unknown form of bio-travel. Since branded the P/uː/pi Blastoff, the technique has long been hailed as a cheap and accessible form of bio-traversal, however, it has also being condemned by astrophysicists for inadvertently…
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The Opposite of Pure Joy
If it’s up to Ericka Hyatt, today at noon everyone on Earth will collectively hold hands and sing Dustin Beaver’s “Owie.” Barges have been lined up bow to stern across the planet’s oceans, and canyons have been filled with concrete in anticipation of this tremendous event. The two and a half minute a capella is being…
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Gorton’s Physical Therapy
Do all of your friends run really fast? Do they stick their tongues out and blow raspberries at you while jetting by at 10-12 miles per hour?? Are you thinking about buying those bionic legs to impress them, but they just cost too much?? Well, before surgically removing your lower limbs, consider trying physical therapy…
The Real Mews 