Tag: therealmews
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Captain Chicken’s Famous Recipe
Today we learned another fun tidbit about our favorite chef, Captain Chicken. Was his mother Wiccan? Well yes, but that’s not what we’re pickin’. Mr. Chicken is famous for offering his frickin’ chicken for a nickel a lickin’. And we ain’t trickin’. After perfecting his one hundred and three spice chicken, the captain knew he…
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Poop Vs. Pee
For years, scientists have hotly debated the age-old question: Are you a poop or are you a pee? People who pee claim to enjoy higher metabolisms and a more active lifestyle, while people who poop tout the detoxifying benefits and increased metal acuity. As your reporter in the trenches, I decided to find out myself. I spent…
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Four Score and Seven Years Before
In an event held by the Abraham Lincoln Association this afternoon, experts revealed that President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was in fact penned by his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln. Incredibly, this fact remained undiscovered until a week ago, when the original draft of her work was found in Chicago. “After her husband’s death, Mary moved into…
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The Second Greatest Show on Earth
Three years ago, emerging Icelandic pop-star, Gorko St. John, departed the planet — and ultimately the dimension — using a then relatively unknown form of bio-travel. Since branded the P/uː/pi Blastoff, the technique has long been hailed as a cheap and accessible form of bio-traversal, however, it has also being condemned by astrophysicists for inadvertently…
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The Birds
Researchers at The Real Mews have now proven beyond any doubt that birds are secretly arranging the extinction of the human race and the complete annihilation of the planet we lovingly refer to as our Mother Earth. The Real Mews’ lead scientist, Tish Avery, broke the news to a stunned boardroom yesterday. “When I was…
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Thou Shall Not Pass
The Catholic Church issued an abrupt three-word plea to its followers this morning: “Stop farting immediately!” The statement stunned the faithful as they scrambled to make sense of the new ruling and figure out how to cease passing gas. The Real Mews caught up with Cardinal Jonathan Price who explained the reason behind the decree.…
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Borton Brahms’ Tuna Samsarini
Hello again, I’m Borton Brahms, an award winning restaurateur and proud owner of over forty failing hotels. At some point, I promised that I would show you how to make a beautiful Tuna Samsarini, but then my stupid sister Margo took all of my recipes and threw them straight into the bidet!! But no bother.…
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The Opposite of Pure Joy
If it’s up to Ericka Hyatt, today at noon everyone on Earth will collectively hold hands and sing Dustin Beaver’s “Owie.” Barges have been lined up bow to stern across the planet’s oceans, and canyons have been filled with concrete in anticipation of this tremendous event. The two and a half minute a capella is being…
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Gorton’s Physical Therapy
Do all of your friends run really fast? Do they stick their tongues out and blow raspberries at you while jetting by at 10-12 miles per hour?? Are you thinking about buying those bionic legs to impress them, but they just cost too much?? Well, before surgically removing your lower limbs, consider trying physical therapy…
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No Ma’am’s Land
A woman’s near-death experience is exceptional this time, because it doesn’t contain any hallmarks of traditional reports. Monday morning, scientists at Jordan University introduced the case of Linda Cragg, whose heart stopped on an operating table for several minutes. In a bone-chilling interview, she detailed the harrowing episode. “Well at first it began as if I was…
The Real Mews 