In breaking social media news today, commercial creators around the globe finally revealed the sordid truth behind your sneezing. As understood by the ancients before us and finally confirmed by patriotwinner1776, we now know that a sneeze is, in fact, your soul attempting to escape your body. In addition, we have also learned that those who do not believe in The Almighty are in danger of being pulled into the very bowels of Hell at the moment their sneeze breaks free.

The cure? Why good Sir or Ma’am, a simple ‘God bless ya’ is the only power you need to combat Satan. Offices around the world are now mandating this ritually repetitive solution. We caught up with security guard Jane Evans as she was mauwing down on a hoagie and then desperately trying to hide it behind her laptop. After a couple of hefty breathes and a deep sigh, she began to explain the phenomenon we’ve all been experiencing.

“I saw a man named Derek in the break room on the security moniter,” she began slowly, “…and I know – for a fact – that he’s a heathen!” She stopped for a moment and looked around cautiously as if to make sure no-one else was listening. “He sneezed and I swear I saw his soul escape him – but nobody else in the room was a’blessing’ him. Aghast, I ran downstairs as fast my little oom-pah loom-pah legs would carry me, but by the time I got there, I witnessed him a’vaporizin’ into Hell! I took out my baton and tried to beat the demons off of him, but he succumbed and never regained consciousness!”

Looking visibly distraught and shaking, she then pounded her fist as hard as she could on the desk and yelled “Dammit!!” The sound of wood splitting rang out and tears began to well in her eyes. “I blame myself but I also blame him for a’puttin’ me in that position by never acceptin’ the power of Jesus into his heart!” She suddenly straightened up and developed a look of raw indignation. “I believe, in fact, that I deserve a thank-you from that man!” she concluded, as a strange and awkward silence enveloped the room.

We can only pray that legislation to bring religion back into the workplace will prevent this very occurrence from happening again. As for Jade, she takes it day by day. While wrapping the interview, another “Achoo!” crackled from the tiny speakers of her analog television set. However, before Jade could jump into action, it was followed by a chorus of “God bless yous” with an equal amount of “Thank yous” – proving once and for all that a heightened state of anxiety coupled with a perpetual state of surveillance can solve every problem. Settling back into her chair, Jade spun around and smiled. “We’re doing God’s work,” she exclaimed triumphantly.