Tag: therealmews
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Worse than Fear
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” stated a collected Franklin Delano Roosevelt, his visage abruptly wan as he remembered the warm water brain eating amoeba. A sheer panic emerged and Roosevelt’s eyes darted toward several members of the crowd. “We have to boil the water, you idiots!!” he screamed, jumping off…
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The Drunk Swan
Last evening, customer service representative Kristi Williams finally completed the musical ballet she’s been writing and performing in front of her cats for over a decade. With a double plié and a final quadruple soubresaut, Kristi ended the first act, bowed, and proceeded to reflect on the pain that led her to dance like a complete…
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Don’t Call Me Doctor
To honor the medical professionals that work tirelessly around the clock to keep us healthy, we bring you the courageous story of a man who wouldn’t settle for being a registered nurse practitioner — a man who would eventually fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a doctor of medicine — and a man who would…
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Father Gabriel’s Grand Hustle
A priest who once helped hospice patients cross over to the other side has ditched his Catholic tutelage to become a full-time professional runner in The Valley of the Dead. We talked with the former father, Francis Gabriel, as he explained this decision in elaborate detail. “It all started with Judith Robinson,” he began with a…
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Emission Possible
Hollywood was left in shock today after learning that one of their biggest stars has been habitually pooping in garbage cans on or around movie sets, and that his identity is close to being revealed. While refusing to name the suspect until DNA results are confirmed, film executive Donna Schneider sat down with The Real…
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“Tin Can Mike” de Nostredame
Today human history was altered in a way that even philosopher and se’er Nostradamus wouldn’t predict – or should we say – couldn’t predict. That’s because historians have finally unearthed the truth about Mr. Damus. Rare parchments were discovered in the cellars of the University of Montpellier last week that confirm a truth scholars have suspected…
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The Incredible Story of Susan Dunderman
The world of classical music was shattered today, like a defective pane of chemically strengthened glass, as historians admitted that superstar Johann Sebastian Bach neither wrote nor sang his own music. Like numerous classical music lip-syncers before him, Mr. Bach was a fraud, a fact exposed after a repository of documents believed to be written…
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Horsancing 4.Infinity
Two weeks ago, The Real Mews was the first to report on a trend that swept the nation called horsancing — and the horsancer who made it famous, Gemma Coghlan. Horsancing, as we all know, is the well curated art of standing up while riding on a moving horse, and then dancing like a lunatic.…
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The Rescuer Up Yonder
The next time you hear a loud whoosh in the sky over your head – look up! You might see Silicon Valley octillionaire Bill Lagos riding around on his brand new biologically engineered eagle! Yup, you read that right: The world’s most privileged people are now breeding genetically modified creatures and flying them over your…
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A Sad Day for Horsancing
In breaking news, we have an unlikely and heartbreaking follow up to a story last week featuring The Angel of Horsancing. Gemma Coghlan, that very angel, has fallen to her demise after trying to dance while on a moving horse. Unfortunately, her passing was quite public, seen by hundreds of thousands of spectators as she performed…
The Real Mews 