The guy who owned the last American mall, Dan Abramson, passed away last Friday after a long battle with failure. He was 54 years old. Dan’s only financial asset in life, the Okanawa Valley Mall – an albatross he often referred to as his ‘personal hell’ or ‘God’s revenge’ – will finally be bull-dozed on Monday. Local community groups have pledged to “cleanse the land” by planting and maintaining an organic garden. Vegetables from future crops will be sold, with proceeds going to the multitude of vendors Dan fleeced.

Dan didn’t accomplish much in life. Unable to get a real job due to bad hygiene and anger issues, he walked into the mall and began randomly  sweeping – anywhere and everywhere there was dirt – until the floors were so well swept, they reflected the fragility of his bloated ego. He continued that way until 2009 when an unexpected tragedy took the lives of former owners, Kyle and “Scaren” Karen Watts. It was then that Dan formally accepted the curse placed on the mall at its groundbreaking.

“They built that mall on an ancient indigenous burial ground,” screamed local anthropologist Carol Singer while simultaneously yelling at her children to “sit the f*ck down!” She then continued. “Legend has it that the curse draws the accursed in with promises of power and wealth, however once ensnared, will only deliver misery and financial ruin. 

Dan is survived by a wife who divorced him and a daughter who changed her last name to spite him. Before he died, he was embroiled with several Nigerian prince scams, so anyone with information regarding those scams is encouraged to call 1-800-DAN-DIED. Please leave as much information as possible. 

If you would like to remember poor ol’ down in the dumpsta’ Dan, a small memorial has been set up by the mall walkers in the abandoned Pretzel Pavillion.