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The guy who owned the last American mall, Dan Abramson, passed away last Friday after a long battle with failure. He was 54 years old. Dan’s only financial asset in life, the Okanawa Valley Mall – an albatross he often referred to as his ‘personal hell’ or ‘God’s revenge’ – will finally be bull-dozed on Monday. Local…
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You’re a hard working American. When the foreman tells you to give it a ten, you say ‘that’s not enough, sir,’ and give him a full freakin’ twenty – ‘cuz that’s just how you were raised! And when you go home after a long day, you want a salt that works as hard as you…
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Almost every rock and roll fan knows The Doors. They were true music legends, and pioneers of what we now call the Acid Rock movement. Up all night and high on peyote, the ever impervious Jim Morrison blabbered continuously into a microphone – and we loved it! Yes, he was amazing, but few people realize…
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A new online game is taking the socials by storm, with some calling it the most intelligent — and evil — game ever devised. Created by former aviatrix, Vivian J. Jefferson, Brain Snaps!® combines trivia and colorful puzzles with real magic — or as critics claim — dark and spooky sorcery. As such, the game and…
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Have you ever heard of an amusement park filled with dinosaurs?! Well, today millions of people experienced the grand opening of the world’s first dinosaur “zoo” — Triassic Park — and surprisingly, nothing went wrong! From its inception, there were no incidents involving a compromised raptor transport crate — something that theoretically could have sparked…
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Do you notice that you can’t remember anything lately? Does your brain feel like a giant bucket of mud? Are you thinking about absolutely nothing — right now?? Well before spending hundreds of dollars on a brain transplant, consider neurology with the brand you trust — Gorton’s! After mastering physical therapy, we used AI to…
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I ate too many shrimp in the fall of ’64 my belly ached I couldn’t take it anymore I tooted once or twice and then there were more as I became the one who had to use a bathroom in Leningrad I searched high and low for a place to go but I was turned away or told…
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In breaking social media news today, commercial creators around the globe finally revealed the sordid truth behind your sneezing. As understood by the ancients before us and finally confirmed by patriotwinner1776, we now know that a sneeze is, in fact, your soul attempting to escape your body. In addition, we have also learned that those who…
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a drab toilet squeaks in the bathroom again is it too much pressure in a pipe? or a one frozen, on the mend? as I peer at it closely in the harsh yellow light it dares to ring out like a bell why does this toilet croon from deep within it’s bowl? when I flush…
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Good morrow, everyone. It is I, Dan Abramson, aka The Guy Who Owns the Mall. Welcome to my first reoccurring column, given to me by the cats that work at The Real Mews. Now I can say what I want – when I want – and I no longer have to contain my angry tirades…
The Real Mews 